Martha's 'Lockdown' Blog
‘Puzzling’ through self-isolation
This ‘Lockdown’ blog post is a departure from Martha’s serial blog, titled ‘Martha’s Healing Journey’. Changing times have all of us at TOPS focusing on the collective experience right now!
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Over the past two weeks, I awaken each morning and have about 3 seconds of “ahhhhh”, and then I remember that we are in the midst of a very scary global pandemic—and my “ahhhhh” turns to “uggggh”. I immediately reach for my phone to look at the numbers in my area. Then I look at charts and updated graphs. I think about how ‘flattening the curve’ sounds like a principle from a Yoga for Scoliosis class. I try to not feel despair for all the people out there who don’t have the same privileges as me; for the huge numbers of people who are ill and struggling for breath; for the impending disaster heading for third-world ghettos where physical distancing is impossible; for the people on the front lines in the hospitals who are putting their lives at risk, etc, etc. I try to not cry.
I wonder what to do. Is there a way I can help?
And then before I know it, ‘the list’ starts in my head. This is the list of every single household chore, every administrative task, every email I have avoided, every closet that needs cleaning out. A feeling of ‘Pandemic Productivity Pressure’ overtakes me as I realize that I have more free time than usual, so I should take care of every task immediately, otherwise I am wasting time; otherwise I am a terrible person.
I wonder how long the ‘lockdown’ is going to last?
For those of us who are lucky enough to have our health and family and resources amidst all the chaos - and I can only speak for myself - this opportunity to STOP may turn out to be one of the gifts of my lifetime. It is a chance to get off the hamster wheel I have created for myself, and recalibrate. Isn’t this kind of the thing that all the great sages—the great meditators, gurus, yogis, self-help specialists—talk about?
Silence - Stillness - Listening - Reflecting.
Stop running. Stop worrying. Stop planning.
Just stop.
Less human DOING.
More human BEING.
Meditate and let your thoughts go through you for a while.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
As beautiful as the internet can be in providing so much entertainment, and in connecting us to each other, this forced shutdown of the whole world is an opportunity to stop looking outward so much, and start taking the time to really look ‘in’.
I think about what I have to offer this moment. What is it that I can give? How can I offer support? I think about the work we do at TOPS. The resources. The blog. The simple exercises I’m going to record to help people stuck at home to find movement in their daily lives… I’m also writing a Fusion book. Is that being self-indulgent? How do we decide what’s necessary? Am I privileged to be able to do this, or is this my life’s work meant to come into being anyway? Should I be out helping others in need? But I’m also in a vulnerable group in terms of age and underlying health conditions. I think about YOU - this audience. How can I help you? Are you moving? Will you join me for some online classes? Maybe they will help. What else?
I think about going to the grocery store for those three items I need, but decide against it as I don’t really need those things THAT badly, and it feels so apocalyptic out there. Plus, I would have to wash my hands so many times! Instead, I think about going out for a bike ride. I love feeling the freedom of the wind whipping through my hair. I think about how there are sometimes people on the side of the road and wonder if I should hold my breath when I zoom by them, or whether that makes any difference. Maybe I can just cross over to the other side of the road so there will be acceptable space between us?
I lie in bed and do my “ten friggin’ breaths”. I get up and wander into the kitchen. I make coffee. I stare out at the view. I pour a cup of coffee and stare out at the view some more. I sit down in front of the Frida Kahlo puzzle I’m working on. I find one piece.
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Reach out for support anytime - we’re in this together, and we’re here to answer your questions and assist where we can. Email us at admin@twistedoutreachproject.com.