STOP - BREATHE - NOTICE - REPEAT
This is Part 35 of a serial blog originally titled 'Martha Carter's Healing Journey'. Curious about the earlier posts? To start from the beginning, read Part 1.
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Happy New Year to all!
As we move into 2023 with a new sense of emotional freedom and openness after that crazy crippling pandemic, it occurs to me that it’s important to mindfully explore more freedom and openness in the body as well.
We all know it's easy to get seduced into ‘getting into better shape’ New Year’s resolutions by hitting the gym, or exploring other new exercise or diet routines meant to transform our lives. I hear it all the time...
“I gotta get in better shape”
"I have to lose weight”
"I am going to work out for 2 hours every day”
"I am going to stop smoking/drinking/eating sugar”
"I am only going to drink juices, or do intermittent fasting, or take some special herbs, or do a cleanse" etc etc etc...
For most people, these goals are pretty much impossible to do cold turkey and overnight. The bar is set so high that it's very difficult to maintain consistency and discipline over a long period of time and, even when there is discipline, the results are often fleeting. We probably all know someone (maybe ourselves!) who has had some success, only to return to the ‘old ways’ within a few months.
Don't get me wrong. It’s important to have goals and to find the inspiration to achieve them, however, the question becomes - what exactly is the goal? Overall health? Fitness? Strength? Posture? Weight loss? These seem to be on the top of most people’s lists, and they are indeed worthwhile goals.
However, for people with a chronic disability, such as folks with scoliosis and spinal fusion, it may be better to focus on more subtle goals, such as pain relief and comfort in the body; to find ways to keep the curves, twists, and spasms from getting worse. After all, it’s pretty difficult to follow a rigorous exercise program if you are already in pain!
For me, this January, I am interested in ‘stepping’ into 2023 with more freedom and openness in my body. I know it sounds like a slightly vague goal, but I believe it’s the right one for me. Basically, it just means that I want to be able to walk with more confidence and ease, and I want to figure out a way to maintain it for the long term.
Considering I have a crooked, fused spine, and a bad knee (caused by walking unevenly over the years), it is very easy for me to feel stiff and bent. Many times over the last few years, when I get up from a chair or step out of the car, I am hunched over and my limp is exaggerated. Something almost always creaks with pain. It can take me several steps to find ease and, even then, I notice that my body often stays ‘braced’ out of fear of all the possible discomfort and pain I might feel at any moment. When I am like this, I feel old and disabled; I feel unmotivated and depressed. I have little will to get out and about, especially if invited to take a walk with friends, as I am slow and I can’t usually go as far as they want. On good days, using a cane or walking sticks can be helpful, but not always enough to make me feel open and easeful. I return from the walk feeling discouraged and ‘lesser’.
So what to do. More workouts? Better diet?
How to make this better?
How can I find more confidence and ease?
Thankfully, through all my studies in therapeutic movement, I have learned that I don’t need heavy workouts or overnight life changes. All I need to do is continue developing a practice that I have already started, and that I know I can work on every day in my own way - that is, the practice of allowing my body to change for the better by observing my own habits and letting them shift.
To do this, I apply these three steps:
NEVER SAY NEVER. Things can always change for the better.
STOP - BREATHE - NOTICE. Give yourself time to notice what is really going on.
REPEAT REGULARLY... and keep noticing the subtle changes as they happen!
Let’s break this down:
1. NEVER SAY NEVER
When we have chronic pain and discomfort, it’s easy to feel hopeless. It often feels like things will never change. This is particularly true for people with scoliosis, and especially with spinal fusion. Over time, the tissues on the ‘concave' side(s) become stubbornly shortened and tight, and the tissues on the ‘convex’ side(s) become overstretched and hard to access. The twist in the torso changes the shape of the ribcage, which then has a ripple effect through the body to cause uneven shoulders and hips. Our heads are often tilted or turned, and our legs and arms usually hang differently compared to each other. And our nervous systems become accustomed to this to the point that we don't even notice these asymmetries. We continue to live ’twisted’, and sometimes our natural day-to-day habits — how we sit, sleep, walk, reach, carry, exercise, etc — make our asymmetries worse over time. Of course we don’t do this intentionally. We are just doing the best we can! And when we are having a bad day — one with more pain and discomfort than usual — it’s easy to feel discouraged and give up. The quick and easy response is to take some pain medications, which are absolutely necessary sometimes, but what else can we do? We can NEVER SAY NEVER!
And then move on to step 2.
2. STOP - BREATHE - NOTICE
For many years, the last thing I wanted to do was to stop. I just powered through, regardless of my level of discomfort. I didn’t want to be the person who complained, or couldn’t keep up, or had a ‘problem’. I wanted to pretend that I was fine and just like ‘everyone else’. I wanted to ignore the fact that I had a serious back issue. When I was younger, I often got away with this approach, and even had the impression that things eventually just fixed themselves. However, other times, my discomfort — back spasms, headaches, stomach aches, and extreme knee pain — gave me no choice but to stop in my tracks and lie down/take pain meds/book a massage or some other form of supportive care, and count the minutes/hours/days until my ‘little back problem’ would fix itself. Those days almost always made me feel helpless and disempowered.
It has taken me years to understand that I DO have the power to ‘fix’ myself.
Instead of waiting for a crisis to force me to stop, what I really need to do is to make stop-breathe-notice a part of my daily practice. And the beautiful thing about this approach is that you can do it anywhere and anytime. An additional benefit is that you get to know yourself and your issues better and better.
The more you notice, the more you sense. The more you sense, the more you can change.
My preferred way to apply this ‘stopping' practice is to lie on a firm bed or yoga mat on the floor in the most comfortable position I can find. Usually I start by lying flat on my back with my knees bent, or sometimes I start by lying on my side. I use pillows and blankets and whatever else helps me feel relaxed. I purposely take several deep breaths — usually about 10 — noticing the expansion and contraction of my ribs, and slowing each breath down as I let my weight drop into the floor. AHHHH.
Now the more challenging part - ‘noticing'.
What is going on? What do I feel? What do I sense?
Sometimes, I notice that it’s hard to take a deep breath.
Other times I notice that I feel a certain physical sensation or a specific emotional state, or both. Often, I notice that my brain is working overtime with negative self-talk, or anxious list-making - “I don’t have time for this, I have so much to do, I shouldn’t be wasting my time just lying around - I should should should!”. After breathing and settling in a bit more, I notice that I can usually let go of these unhelpful thoughts and start to focus on my actions.
This is the starting place.
For example, when I notice that it is hard to take a slow, deep breath, then I focus only on that and don't do anything else until I accomplish that task. It seems easy, but it can be surprisingly difficult. And I remind myself that its benefits are many.
Deep breathing helps soften the ribs, releasing the twists and contractions of the torso, allowing a positive ripple effect through the whole body. It helps the nervous system settle and relax, allowing my body to release. In my stillness, I can better listen to myself, usually getting a clue as to what I need next.
Sleep? A good cry? A massage? Gentle exercise like a nice walk outside? Other supportive care?
I listen and do what it tells me.
If and when I am ready to continue, I do my best to lie flat on my back with my legs long.
This position allows for the next level of observation where I scan my body from head to toe, noticing my position and the imprint that my body makes on the floor (or bed). I keep my pillows and scoliosis pads* close. On a bad day, I need a large pillow under my head, and often my legs want to stay bent to keep my lower back from aching. I notice that one shoulder is higher off the ground than the other, causing one arm to lie differently than the other. One of my legs is more turned out than the other, and my weight falls into one hip, pressing it into the floor more than the other hip. I feel completely twisted, which is not a surprise, and it feels very uncomfortable.
I take another ten deep breaths, willing my ribs to soften, imagining my entire body unwinding.
Sometimes this works well, and other times it works less well, but it never makes things worse, and almost always makes some kind of positive change.
What IS a surprise, is that on a good day, I notice that my imprint is completely different!
I am able to lie flat with my legs long and at ease immediately. I notice that I am not as crooked as my body is released and feels evenly weighted into the floor. Sometimes I don’t even need a pillow under my head, which usually seems impossible. My breath slows down without effort and my ribs expand with ease. Ah HA!
So things CAN change for the better!
3. REPEAT REGULARLY
And herein lies the lesson.
By taking the time to be still, breathe, and really pay attention to ourselves regularly, we give ourselves the gift of noticing differences from day to day. Instead of just powering through, we learn to listen to what our body is telling us, allowing us to sense subtle changes for the better.
Over time, these improvements add up, gently reversing the tension patterns that can so easily lead to chronic and worsening discomfort.
This is what has been happening for me. My walking isn’t great (and a knee replacement has been recommended), but recently I noticed there is sometimes less pain and stiffness. Sometimes, when I get up, I don’t feel nearly as hunched over. I know it’s unlikely I can reverse the knee damage from osteoarthritis with breathing alone, so what is going on? Something has definitely improved and seems to be sticking.
Could it be that my regular practice of breathing deeply into my torso is gradually unwinding the tension patterns in my curves and twists? And perhaps this has radiated down into my pelvis to allow for more stability in my pelvis? And maybe that has untwisted some of the tightness down my leg that led to my crooked walking in the first place?
Maybe - and maybe not?
What I do know is that something in my walk has been gradually changing for the better — very subtly for the better — but I have noticed it, and I want it to stay that way! I still have bad days, but I know I have the power to do something about it. I force myself to remember how I was walking with a little more ease and confidence just a couple of days ago - so how do I do that again?
OH right! Never say never. Stop-Breathe-Notice. Repeat.
Maybe it’s not such a bad day after all.
Read the next blog post here.
Got comments? Please feel free to write us anytime.
*scoliosis pads are small pillows that can help find symmetry for asymmetrical bodies in various positions, such as yoga asanas or even just lying or sitting on the floor. They can also be used as knee or feet cushions. TOPS has them available for purchase here.